In the moments after Jairden was diagnosed, I closed my eyes, said a prayer, giving the entire situation over to the Lord and his will for our lives. Then, I looked at the doctors and said, "What's next?". I believe that my prayer has allowed me focus solely on what Jairden's needs were/are/will be. There have been moments of tears and feeling overwhelmed, but those have been far and few between. Just enough for a healthy emotional outlet, but to be honest I think those feelings came from being overloaded with super scary information that wasn't helpful or even relevant to our situation. We were prepped for the worst possible outcome which I think was stupid. What you focus on grows. We have chosen to focus on all the positives, expecting the best case outcomes while knowing about the worst so that we have the tools to deal with those IF they should come.
I had peace when it came to Jairden's surgery. I was not anxious, fearful, or overwhelmed. I didn't like leaving my baby in the OR but let's be honest, who would?
When it came to discussing chemotherapy I was basically bombarded with worst case information, told that there were things that I need/would have to do, like antibiotics, vaccinations, g-tube...things like he WON'T eat, he WILL lose weight, he WILL lose his hearing, he WILL lose his hair, he WILL throw up and get sick, he WILL most likely end up with neuropothy, he WILL get constipated. It all scare the crap out of me and on top of it Jairden was suppose to start chemo less than two weeks after his surgery. I couldn't imagine this little boy, that have just been through a horrific 10 days, being able to recover enough to have his body attacked by chemotherapy. ( For the record, I don't believe that chemo is the best way to treat cancer, but I have no choice in how I want to treat my child because laws in the US have taken those rights away from me.)
Well, guess what? He is eating, more than he every has. He is not losing weight, even with all the activity and miles of hospital halls that we have raced up and down to stave off boredom. His hearing is prefect and he may lose a small amount of hi-frequency hearing but since most of his language skills are developed it shouldn't be that big of a deal. We won't know how much of his hair he will lose yet (he hasn't hit his lowest cell count days yet). He wasn't sick during his chemo treatments, he played the entire time. He hasn't had one issue with being constipated and I credit that to the fact that he is still breastfeeding, yeah for full term nursing. I believe his weight has stay put because he is also nursing at night, getting in extra calories (even though all but one of his doctors think that his nursing has no nutrition value because he is so old).
I believe that his breastfeeding and diet of whole traditional foods have also had a critical impact on how his little body has handle chemotherapy. We have an awesome integrative medicine team at the hospital that has help us. Massage, healing touch, essential oils, baltic amber, music... The nutritionist looks at me like I have three heads and they have no concepts of the importance of lacto-fermented foods, but that's okay, gives us a chance to educate. I am really hoping (but not holding my breath) that someone will take genuine notice of how good he is doing and want to find out the reasons why. The nutritional help offered is really terrible, standard SAD diet nutrition. It needs to change. Pop in the refrigerator is really, really sad.
Jairden's name means "the enlighten one" or "the enlightener". I know that God has such amazing plans for this little boy. He has taught us so much already. Mostly that our minds really get in our way at times. He has no preconceived notions that chemotherapy is suppose to make him sick, so he isn't. His oncology doctor and nurses have said this many times, that little ones seem to do better because they have no clue that the medicines they are getting are suppose to make them feel cruddy.
So, we are focusing on the postive knowing what to do if the worst should come and relying on God to bless us. Again, thank you for all the prays and keep them coming, we have three more chemotherapy cycles to go.